千九百七十九：3 years of Grief

Kobe Tower

In the blink of an eye, 2+ weeks has gone by. Every weekend seems to be super busy even though I'm not sure why, and I go into the new work week all tired out from the weekend instead of being recharged.

I went to visit Ayaka's grave last last Sunday (18-March). I had intended to go the week before that but was too tired out from coming back from Tokyo & I just couldn't wake up early on Sunday morning to make my way there. I had thought that after 3 years, the pain of the loss would have lessened,  but I realised only too late when I reached there that I was wrong. Although I seldom think of her nowadays, and I was feeling cheerful all the way there,  everything just came rushing back into my mind when I saw her grave & my breath kinda got choked up in my throat and tears started to well in my eyes. My mind was blank but apparently grief is like a reflex action that didn't need any thoughts to be triggered. Ryo helped me to get water to clean up the gravestone, but it was raining anyway (it always rains when I visit her) so I placed some gerberras in the vases and lit up some incense for her. You know in movies, people speak to the dead aloud, in the cemetery, but I can't do that (I can't talk to myself aloud even), & I tried my best to make my thoughts to her heard over the sound of the raindrops & my sniffling, to let her know that we still miss her, and what updates I had in my life in the past year. Ryo was holding the umbrella for me, and I was really glad he was there with me because I felt so exhausted (perhaps with grief) after visiting her that I was just kinda hanging on to him for support as we made our way down to the busstop.  I was very much incapacitated of speech (it was like something switched off inside me) during the first year of her death that I just felt like I didn't have much to say to anyone and there was nothing really worth saying anyway, since we all die someday, especially words that hurt other people, words you end up regretting when you lose someone dear to you suddenly. I felt like that for the whole day afterwards, & I guess Ryo felt it so he was extra nice to me that day and I really appreciated it. I guess I have to try to let go, (I thought I had) but it just doesn't feel right to do so. Maybe someday it will happen.

Last weekend, we were invited to a brass band performance by Ryo's colleague; she was performing in it as an alumni. It was quite good (I only fell asleep in the middle when the current students were performing) for most of it, they performed very upbeat songs like the march from the Disneyland electrical parade, circus town etc. After that we brought Tamoto-san and her son to Harbourland since they seldom were in Kobe and the little boy was so fascinated by everything. Luckily he was quite a cheerful boy, even when he was tired he just said quietly to his mum that he was tired of walking for his mum to carry instead of wailing like some brats you see around you.

This week seems to be quite a busy week workwise (which is a good thing) but actually I'm feeling very lethargic and I really am feeling the need to go to some resort and just nua away for a week to rest.. :x I should start doing some holiday researching.

千九百七十八：Tokyo 2012

Wedding couple at Meiji Shrine

2nd last day of a 16-day stay in Tokyo & I'm ready to go home!

It was a hectic 10 days last week when the guys came to Tokyo for the marathon, & all the sightseeing and running around took quite abit out of me. I'm a very lazy traveller, meaning I like to wake up late, I like to take my time to see the sights and slowly walk around and see the streets and shops, instead of trying to cover as many places as I can in a day so a very tight schedule is not for me since I get tired quite easily and I don't have that much energy to stay on my feet the whole day. Despite the lack of energy, I had enthusiasm, & I tried to be a good guide for them, (although I'm really a tourist in the Tokyo area myself) and I did enjoy myself 90% of the time. The horrible parts of the trip was the freezing weather, the lack of sunlight for most of it, the rain & the super cold winds. Which led to alot of shivering and keeping my head down and being unable to properly enjoy myself and take photos because my fingers / body were so cold. This week seems to be better, with 2 days about 15degrees, but rain the rest of the day. where is the sunshine!?

I'm glad I stayed an extra week, was able to catch up with other friends in Tokyo and just catch up with some rest. Also basically to go to the shops I want to go/eat the non-japanese food that I want to eat w/o feeling bad about dragging the Singaporeans to and wasting their precious travel time.

The new iPad has been announced & I'm quite tempted to get one. But I still actually can't find a need for it. I think Ryo has more of a need for it than me actually. Since I already have a Kindle, I won't be reading on the iPad except for magazine subscriptions (which I'm actually too stingy to take out except for Runner's world). If you are looking at the iPad on the train, everyone around u can see what you are looking at. hmmmm... maybe it's just the impulse of the moment, hopefully I will stop thinking about it.

I want to go Itoya tomorrow again (properly slowly walk around) before going back to Osaka. This is going to be a busy weekend!