千九百七十九：3 years of Grief

Kobe Tower

In the blink of an eye, 2+ weeks has gone by. Every weekend seems to be super busy even though I'm not sure why, and I go into the new work week all tired out from the weekend instead of being recharged.

I went to visit Ayaka's grave last last Sunday (18-March). I had intended to go the week before that but was too tired out from coming back from Tokyo & I just couldn't wake up early on Sunday morning to make my way there. I had thought that after 3 years, the pain of the loss would have lessened,  but I realised only too late when I reached there that I was wrong. Although I seldom think of her nowadays, and I was feeling cheerful all the way there,  everything just came rushing back into my mind when I saw her grave & my breath kinda got choked up in my throat and tears started to well in my eyes. My mind was blank but apparently grief is like a reflex action that didn't need any thoughts to be triggered. Ryo helped me to get water to clean up the gravestone, but it was raining anyway (it always rains when I visit her) so I placed some gerberras in the vases and lit up some incense for her. You know in movies, people speak to the dead aloud, in the cemetery, but I can't do that (I can't talk to myself aloud even), & I tried my best to make my thoughts to her heard over the sound of the raindrops & my sniffling, to let her know that we still miss her, and what updates I had in my life in the past year. Ryo was holding the umbrella for me, and I was really glad he was there with me because I felt so exhausted (perhaps with grief) after visiting her that I was just kinda hanging on to him for support as we made our way down to the busstop.  I was very much incapacitated of speech (it was like something switched off inside me) during the first year of her death that I just felt like I didn't have much to say to anyone and there was nothing really worth saying anyway, since we all die someday, especially words that hurt other people, words you end up regretting when you lose someone dear to you suddenly. I felt like that for the whole day afterwards, & I guess Ryo felt it so he was extra nice to me that day and I really appreciated it. I guess I have to try to let go, (I thought I had) but it just doesn't feel right to do so. Maybe someday it will happen.

Last weekend, we were invited to a brass band performance by Ryo's colleague; she was performing in it as an alumni. It was quite good (I only fell asleep in the middle when the current students were performing) for most of it, they performed very upbeat songs like the march from the Disneyland electrical parade, circus town etc. After that we brought Tamoto-san and her son to Harbourland since they seldom were in Kobe and the little boy was so fascinated by everything. Luckily he was quite a cheerful boy, even when he was tired he just said quietly to his mum that he was tired of walking for his mum to carry instead of wailing like some brats you see around you.

This week seems to be quite a busy week workwise (which is a good thing) but actually I'm feeling very lethargic and I really am feeling the need to go to some resort and just nua away for a week to rest.. :x I should start doing some holiday researching.