[2058] New Year Reflections

2022 reflections to start. (longish and perhaps slightly negative words ahead)

2022 started with loads of uncertainty. I was feeling very panicked at the start of the year knowing my work contract was ending and actively started looking for jobs, asking for referrals, updating and checking linkedin etc. I asked around, I was thick-skinned, I let everyone know I needed a job. There were rejections, no-replies (which turned out to be a good thing because those companies were hit by the layoffs). 

I could not help but remember the discouraging words some people had said to me before "you are shallow, you are so inflexible you will suck at interviews etc etc". Even if it might not be actually true, the words actually stick and hurt and affect my confidence to get even hired as I'm second guessing myself at every step. I don't even know why people can say such things as friends - it's almost mental abuse of sorts. There were also people who told me I could not get out of my situation, how can I have the best of everything and be so choosy, because I wanted to be able to take care of my kids yet have a proper job. I must admit - I was super discouraged and there were a few days when I almost gave up, because who am I kidding? I had been out of the job market for so long, I wasn't updated with the IT skills I needed perhaps and yet I am fighting with loads more experienced hires for jobs I don't even know if I want or can do? I tried very hard to upskill, aced an interview and got a perm job somewhat luckily for a short stint but it ended up not a good fit for my life and what I needed. (They made loads of promises about the job that was not to be - I was literally tied to my desk 12 hours daily which was ridiculous). Luckily, there were people who believed in me, looked out for open positions and helped champion for me all the way at every step - coach me for the interviews, helped me improve my resume, reminded me to believe in myself most of all and it was a good day end of May when I got the email telling me I got the job and another good email telling me what my pay level would be - everything wildly out of my expectations in the best way possible. I am still full of gratitude for all of these people in my life to be able to land a job at the best place in the world which allowed me flexibility to look after my kids and do my best work at the same time. (Sounds like the stuff they put on recruitment videos but it is actually true for me) 

I have a lot to learn of course - but the second half of the year has been about pushing myself out of my comfort zone, training for a new job/role, getting to know alot of new people and also learning new ways to improve myself professionally and personally. I learnt to snowboard, still improving (i hope) at adult ballet lessons and tried to help bb with her schoolwork more after things settled down. The kids were abit neglected when I started new jobs, because mentally I was quite wiped, also trying to balance harmony in the house. 

Regrets - not going to Seattle to see Garry for the last time - he was very happy I joined MS and despite not connecting much in the past 10 years perhaps - we just picked up a conversation from his welcome back email and I remembered what a funny guy he has always been, and very sincerely checking in on me, and joking about his own pending demise on and off until the end. 22-12-22 will be a day I remember for him every year. 

In 2023:

1. I want to put myself first for a change. Take everything as it is, be in control of what I can control - what's the point of anger / unhappiness over other people's choices? I can't control people - I can just be myself, be kind and do my best. I only have 100% of me to go around and if my best is not enough for you, then perhaps you have to update your expectations and not try to stretch me until I break. 

2. Save more money - I never used to have much money left monthly as I was paying for both kids by myself but things are improving. 

3. Run more - exercise more. I walked so much daily that I didn't feel like doing exercise purposefully - but I think it has to change. 

4. Proper health check - have not done one for 10 years actually - and it scares me when people so young are dying around me. 

5. Gratitude 

6. Don't be afraid to ask. I feel no qualms about asking questions in meetings nowadays. Perhaps age. 

& a Happy new year to everyone :)