1056: Fear

i am afraid of myself.

i realise my character is in fact more like a guy than a girl. i like a conquest, i like challenges. I like to know that i can make people be attracted to me and want me but i often ignore the consequences after that. i get tired of things easily (applies to people and games and objects and books etc) and i need new things constantly to feel un-bored. after the get-together part (which is always a mistake if i was only physically attracted to that person) i'll begin to feel bored when we get awkward making normal conversation and its not fun for me anymore. i know, i am a very bad person.

like now, i find myself developing a crush on another guy. not that i would cheat on Ryo, but its normal to get crushes on other people right? and i actually created a chance for us to go out when ryo is not going to be around. because i would be alone that weekend while Ryo is overseas and i dun want to miss any weekend with him when he is around. is there something wrong with that? i didn't secretly go out, i actually told Ryo liao and he's fine with the whole arrangement. i even asked the person out in front of everyone, asked him since he said weekend was better, would he show me around that weekend? i don't want people to get the wrong idea, i dun want him to get the wrong idea, i just wan to satisfy my own curiosity about whether we click if we are not in a whole group. abit of the "i think i can make u fall in love with me" ambition rearing it's ugly head out again.. is it wrong to even have thought of this whole sightseeing thing with the crush at all??