[2058] New Year Reflections

2022 reflections to start. (longish and perhaps slightly negative words ahead)

2022 started with loads of uncertainty. I was feeling very panicked at the start of the year knowing my work contract was ending and actively started looking for jobs, asking for referrals, updating and checking linkedin etc. I asked around, I was thick-skinned, I let everyone know I needed a job. There were rejections, no-replies (which turned out to be a good thing because those companies were hit by the layoffs). 

I could not help but remember the discouraging words some people had said to me before "you are shallow, you are so inflexible you will suck at interviews etc etc". Even if it might not be actually true, the words actually stick and hurt and affect my confidence to get even hired as I'm second guessing myself at every step. I don't even know why people can say such things as friends - it's almost mental abuse of sorts. There were also people who told me I could not get out of my situation, how can I have the best of everything and be so choosy, because I wanted to be able to take care of my kids yet have a proper job. I must admit - I was super discouraged and there were a few days when I almost gave up, because who am I kidding? I had been out of the job market for so long, I wasn't updated with the IT skills I needed perhaps and yet I am fighting with loads more experienced hires for jobs I don't even know if I want or can do? I tried very hard to upskill, aced an interview and got a perm job somewhat luckily for a short stint but it ended up not a good fit for my life and what I needed. (They made loads of promises about the job that was not to be - I was literally tied to my desk 12 hours daily which was ridiculous). Luckily, there were people who believed in me, looked out for open positions and helped champion for me all the way at every step - coach me for the interviews, helped me improve my resume, reminded me to believe in myself most of all and it was a good day end of May when I got the email telling me I got the job and another good email telling me what my pay level would be - everything wildly out of my expectations in the best way possible. I am still full of gratitude for all of these people in my life to be able to land a job at the best place in the world which allowed me flexibility to look after my kids and do my best work at the same time. (Sounds like the stuff they put on recruitment videos but it is actually true for me) 

I have a lot to learn of course - but the second half of the year has been about pushing myself out of my comfort zone, training for a new job/role, getting to know alot of new people and also learning new ways to improve myself professionally and personally. I learnt to snowboard, still improving (i hope) at adult ballet lessons and tried to help bb with her schoolwork more after things settled down. The kids were abit neglected when I started new jobs, because mentally I was quite wiped, also trying to balance harmony in the house. 

Regrets - not going to Seattle to see Garry for the last time - he was very happy I joined MS and despite not connecting much in the past 10 years perhaps - we just picked up a conversation from his welcome back email and I remembered what a funny guy he has always been, and very sincerely checking in on me, and joking about his own pending demise on and off until the end. 22-12-22 will be a day I remember for him every year. 

In 2023:

1. I want to put myself first for a change. Take everything as it is, be in control of what I can control - what's the point of anger / unhappiness over other people's choices? I can't control people - I can just be myself, be kind and do my best. I only have 100% of me to go around and if my best is not enough for you, then perhaps you have to update your expectations and not try to stretch me until I break. 

2. Save more money - I never used to have much money left monthly as I was paying for both kids by myself but things are improving. 

3. Run more - exercise more. I walked so much daily that I didn't feel like doing exercise purposefully - but I think it has to change. 

4. Proper health check - have not done one for 10 years actually - and it scares me when people so young are dying around me. 

5. Gratitude 

6. Don't be afraid to ask. I feel no qualms about asking questions in meetings nowadays. Perhaps age. 

& a Happy new year to everyone :) 

[2057] Enfin après la covid

As you can see from the jump in numbers in the title, I have drafted a few posts in between but somehow got lost somewhere in the daily hustle in finishing up the posts. The last published post was in 2020 when Covid-19 started and here we are, finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel when Covid is almost an endemic. Indoor mask-wearing is not necessary and only in public transport and healthcare setting it is still compulsory. Also, suddenly the younger kid is almost K1 and the elder kid is P5 next year! Where did all the time go?!

In our household - the kids have caught covid this year but the adults still have not - which is quite surprising but maybe being not a very affectionate mum helps? I think the younger child might have caught covid twice in fact, but we will never know. She has a covid type cough since June but she caught it in Feb and was actually ok until June when she got this horrible sore throat and couldn't even eat much for a week or so, after which a persistent cough especially in her sleep. She has finally stopped coughing in her sleep for the past week - which translates to better sleep for me since we sleep together (another surprising reason not to have caught anything from her yet) and I think I aged so much this year trying to keep it together for the kids.

Life has been full of ups and downs this year as well - contract job ended, and I found a full time job which only lasted me 2 months. I would like to rant slightly about dubious recruiter hiring practices. In the interviews, I have mentioned time and time again that I am solo-parenting and I need to be able to pick up my children and send them to classes but I will be working when I am working. If I need to be in office I will go during school hours maybe and catch up on remaining work at home or night. "Oh don't worry - we are a flexible company, pro-family!" and so on. However, after I started working there - "oh we are starting back to office and our team wants all of you to be back in office 3 days a week - 8.30 to 6pm." I was like ? Is there a need or purpose? I support Japan folks, and I don't need to really talk to anyone in SG, once a week maybe, but 3 days a week?! Isn't it kinda going backwards? The team survived covid fully WFH so what is this for seriously? Obviously they didn't want to give me any flexibility, saying if I am allowed to do this, others might want the same thing etc. I went to the office full-day for a team meeting during this and it was so noisy, the noise actually gave me a headache and made me so exhausted. (There were 3 different people having different calls around me and they were literally shouting to be heard and no one had the courtesy to go to a room). It really didn't work for me, so luckily I managed to find another job and escape from this situation after 2 months, just when the back to office policy was announced officially. 

I have been lucky with jobs this year despite the ups and downs, and I finally got a full-time job in the most flexible company to me so far. Probation is ending in a week+ and I am happy at the flexibility and culture and of course all the benefits so far. I think if you agree with the company culture, you will be fine - not when you have so many questions about why things are being done a certain  way and everyone is just concerned for their own responsibilities instead of improving anything as a whole. Been learning alot, and it helps to have friends and familiar faces having your back. Most importantly, they care that you actually need to not be stressed about family and life to be able to do your job well. Let's see how things go - but I am happy with my job so far! 

I have probably reached a certain point in life where I literally just can't be bothered with what people think, if I have my priorities straight. I would rather spend my time alone with a good book and doing what relaxes me than trying to stress myself worrying about things I can't control or change or is pointless in the long run. I already have enough stress in the house being stuck between my mum & my kids so I actually had a horrendous vertigo attack in August which sent me to the A&E as I couldn't even stand up or open my eyes without feeling extreme nausea. The after-effects were quite bad headaches alot of time and I don't know if it is due to lack of sleep also but I seriously don't give a sh*t for much outside of my immediate responsibilities right now (earn money, pay the bills, keep my job, keep the kids alive and keep the peace at home).  Struggling everyday of course - and thank you to all the people who understand and provide me support in any way to make my life easier. 

Time for bed - and let's see when I have time to write a whole post at a shot in future. 

à bientôt!

[2054] Just Checking In...

 It's November. We have been in Singapore for 7 months plus. 2020 is almost over. Covid is still ongoing. Life is back to almost normal if not for the safe distancing measures and the travel bans and the horrible rules of wearing masks in the hot hot hot weather. 

I miss my own house. 

In September, I just felt so overwhelmed with everything. The accumulated stress of being the only parent to do everything for the kids, plus having to manage parental relations with my own parents. I get to go out on weekends for dinner alone, thanks to my parents, but EVERYTHING on weekdays is no joke. Feed them, fetching them to all sorts of classes, from school, supervise school work, remembering to buy stuff they outgrow or need for school, while making sure I am still able to finish my own things. It's horrible on very sunny days especially, the school walk to fetch bb. Perhaps there are people who think "Oh suck it up, you chose this", yes I did, but I am also human and sometimes need a listening ear. Most friends are sympathetic, are generally understanding, especially if sometimes I tell them I can't go out unless it's weekends, because I really prefer giving them 100% of my attention when we meet and not be in mom mode. Also, it's just alot easier to slowly eat and chat and even drink with no kids around. By the end of Sept, I really felt like shit, birthday blues and all, still general lack of sleep and feeling quite lonely, and actually broke down while talking to the hb on facetime. At that point, we were still trying to figure out if we can go Japan at all end of the year, and I just felt so helpless seeing all the rules against foreigners re-entering Japan and having to basically sort out and find out everything myself. 

Decided to try to stop feeling blue and step by step try to get moving towards the trip. 

So October came, I was reading and reading all the relevant information on the Japan embassy website, and also everything we need to do on the Singapore end. They insisted I needed a pre-departure covid test, so that itself was quite a tedious process, having to apply for approval from MOH with reasons and the air ticket as proof.  I spent a few weeks, in email with the embassy / ICA to confirm the requirements and the costs of SHN and tests, (very troublesome, had to go to the Japan embassy twice, and submit some approval for the pre departure covid test) and finally got everything done before end of October. But, on October 30, Japan decided to do away with all these rules for re-entry because Singapore is now a low risk country and I didn't need to have done anything at all. It was great news, not needing the covid tests on both ends just to get into Japan, but felt like all my work went to waste. oh well.. 

There was a lot of tension at home, parents fighting, parents nagging, parents trying to control how you discipline your kids, parents not happy about us missing school when we come back from the trip for SHN. It was pretty stressful, not to be seen as siding any parent for fear that the other parent would blow up again. 

There was an end of term test for French and I was quite nervous about it at first, but it turned out ok. I hadn't known it actually included class participation, so I guess there is room for improvement for the scores in that section. Overall, an ok result, will skip one term for the trip and I am now on to Intermediate 5 in Jan! 

By some sort of blind luck, I met up with a friend whose assistant is leaving end of November (contract ended). I jokingly said to hire me, and she really went through with it, so I have a new job which starts end of November! and paying above expectations which is really a bonus. It might not seem like a big deal, but finding a job in SG means I actually have to be in SG / plan to be in SG for the time being. I think the hb realises that because he kept asking "are you sure? how about when you go to Japan for the holidays?" while trying not to pour cold water or sound unsupportive. I guess there are minimal trips to be taken in the next year at least, work from home helps and we are going to be in SG after all, for school, might as well make the best of it and keep my resume active.

Also, sb was sick with fever & diarrhoea one of the recent weeks and I had to get up in the middle of the night a few times for a few nights consecutively to help her clean up and soothe her. While in the day, I still had to fetch bb from school and also help her revise for the school assessment tests, all while I barely slept. (One of the EVERYTHING that I had to do as a solo parent so kudos to all the mums doing all these alone) Although no actual exams, they are changing classes next year and going to be streamed to different classes based on their subject abilities. But she seems to have breezed through the tests generally (yes even Chinese!) thanks to constant revision/ assessment books so it was quite a relief to have reached this second last week of school. 

No 11-11 shopping for us, because I couldn't think of anything I really need to buy currently.  & our bank broke from the air tickets for Japan, and the upcoming SHN. 

Looking forward to being able to go home again in a week or so and see you all in 2021!

[2052] Last flight to Singapore

Almost 3 months into 2020, and guess what, the year is turning to be a big mess for the whole world.

The covid-19 has wrecked havoc with travel plans, family plans and all sorts of other plans, such that we realised it's better to make no plans for the year at all.

We were going to come to SG in March and return to Kobe to meet with the hb in end May but due to the crazy sudden turn of events, SQ has cancelled all flights in April, potentially May, and the new Stay Home Notice by the Singapore government, I decided to cancel the June plans and just stay put in sg. After the new border controls was announced in mid March, luckily I went to renew my resident's card asap because I did not realise I had to move my flight to that week's sunday. My original itinerary was cancelled, then my rebooking was cancelled again, and I was praying my last flight out of Osaka wasn't going to be cancelled again. (I woke up everyday checking my email for SQ alerts to make sure everything was ok..) And from a 2 month trip I now had to pack for a 8 month trip for 3 people. Of course I can just pack very light and rewash the clothes, but 8 months, I don't want to be on a 5 t-shirt rotation for the whole period..

It was a mad rush to get things ready. The final booking of the new tickets were made on Thursday for a Sunday flight, 3 days later, and I was glad I already cancelled bb's remaining enrichment classes and anything pending for the rest of the year 2 days ago. Online check in notification came and I checked with relief. But ... still 2 days to go.. what if they cancelled the flight anyway... packed and packed - end up with 3 suitcases, 1 duffel = 77kg. and a stroller. Wheeeee....

Fast forward to Sunday.. we slowly ate lunch (last bit of food from the fridge finally used up in a big pot of Japanese curry) then headed out at about 1.30pm for a 4.55pm flight. The limousine bus to the airport was almost empty and the airport was like the emptiest I had ever seen. BUT.. the SQ checkin line had a queue. Surprisingly, there were people who actually came for holiday despite our school closures and stay home warnings. Sheesh.. A group of Malaysian tourists were having some sort of argument with the counter staff and holding up the rest of the queue, something along the lines of they are not going to Singapore, but there were no transit flight to Malaysia so basically they can't check in. They insisted they were going to reach Malaysia somehow by train but the current border laws were they would have to serve the SHN if they enter SG.. I wonder if they actually know about it. They were still arguing with the staff after we completed our check in.

Spent the last half hour before going to board at the St Marc cafe. Everyone tried to sit a few tables apart (easy to do since the place was so empty). All the restaurants were very empty. I hope they are still in operation when I return. Ended up we were the last passengers to board because sb was throwing some big tantrum and I had to half drag half carry her to the shuttle. The duty free shops were totally devoid of shoppers. It was quite eerie to be honest.

After we boarded, sb fell asleep almost immediately. The kids' meals were served super early, maybe due to the covid-19 changes to their service. Perhaps to reduce contact, they gave a bottle of mineral water at the start and then minimal walking around by the stewardesses after. They came around once or twice with drinks but that was all. Everyone donned masks.

It felt like a very long flight. There was no movies that appealed to me, I ended up watching Frozen 2 and Miss Congeniality and some Fresh Off the Boat and Friends episodes. They should make more mobile games offline playable! I realised I had nothing to really play except Candy Crush. Tried to read a book but just felt very restless overall. Bb watched movies and played the inflight games while sb watched some offline videos on the ipad for the remainder of the flight.

Finally after about 6.5hours we landed at Changi. Big feeling of relief in me. Luckily sb was awake and excited to go, so bb held her hand and tried to walk her as fast as we could, as far away from other groups as possible. Temperature screening was just a walk past thing, did not see anyone get caught or stopped. The immigration area was very surprising. I had expected strict checks but it was quite a messy situation to be honest. There were long tables with 2 officers behind each holding the SHN forms, but with the bulk of the people entering the country being Singaporeans and PRs, the lines were concentrated at the Singaporeans/PR table. Where there were quite alot of people, total contrast to Kansai airport. Shows the number of people who actually went on holiday during the March holidays still. Sb decided now was the time to dash around wildly after the long flight sitting down. Bb helped to chase her around while I tried to fill up the forms away from the crowds. After passing the form to an officer who confirmed our flight number and departure city, he just told us that someone will be calling you, and when I asked when, he shrugged and gave me a sticker to take to cross immigration.

After clearing immigration, had to drag a very uncooperative sb to the luggage belt. We finally got all 77kg (3 luggages and a duffel) out but the stroller was missing. No staff was in sight and sb was still dashing around. argh. I also was in abit of trouble of being unable to get all the luggage out of the arrival gate myself. (bb was trying to get sb to stop dashing and leave). Finally, a staff member showed up and pointed me to a bulky cargo area to retrieve my stroller. It was impossible to control a stroller with one hand and 3 large suitcases with another I discovered. Sb still being uncooperative, bb tried to drag her, I told bb ok, u push the stroller, and I just gave up and told sb to follow her sister which somehow she did when she saw my parents at the gate, and I somehow managed to get 3 luggages out the door at last... was already perspiring madly from the face mask and the effort by then.

Could have collapsed outside for a bit but I guess I just wanted to get home asap. Forgot to buy some food home, I felt super angry when I saw the guy from myanmar having enjoyed a bakkutteh before his SHN. In the end I ate some instant noodles when I got home, while the parents helped to get the kids cleaned up and ready for bed.

Freedom in 14 days..

[2051] 2019 to 2020

With some people, you know the relationship is reaching its end when a conversation has become a hidden minefield of one word answers.

Nothing was asked about my day, only I was doing the asking. I guess there's that. Not a word of "How are you?" etc etc.

In 2019, I have rediscovered old friends, bonded closer with some, (some friends send me a message out of the blue every few months to just chat and catch up, that is quite rare nowadays, because there are also the people who send you a message and you dread to open it because it is usually a request of some sort for assistance, or bad news, never ever nothing.) and made resolutions to stay out of touch or out of reach of those always wanting something from me.

This year again flew by (I say that of every year now, sign of old age I think), or maybe with a young baby I'm just trying to survive day to day with minimal sleep.

I was trying to write this before the year ended and ended up writing this on the first day of 2020. Procrastinated to the max!

Summary of 2019
January - Bb started primary school in Singapore.
February - 10 year wedding anniversary. So fast!
March - We went to Seoul and Sb turned 1!
April - Bb started Elementary school in Japan. Ryo started a new job.
May - Bbxigua visited us for a weekend!
July - Bb turned 7! & attended the NDP preview for the first time! I also took a big step and started adult ballet lessons.
August - We went for a Sentosa staycation for national day weekend & visited the Bicentennial. Bb got promoted to Grey/White belt in BJJ!
September - I grew older but my heart stayed young. Lots of love and thanks to all my lovely friends who celebrated my birthday with me before we left Singapore.
October - First experience of a rugby world cup match, fantastic atmosphere all around!
November - Met up with an old friend in Kyoto, had a whale of a time catching up and eating. Of course Singaporeans are the happiest with food!
December - Finally we got a holiday from school, and took a week plus to R&R in Koh Samui. But grandma passed away on 23rd Dec.. continued the rest of the vacation with a heavy heart. At least when we got back, I managed to meet up with another old friend for a day of catching up without kids in Hiroshima and had a more refreshing end to the year.

I think we worked very hard this year. All of us. Bb worked hard to be adaptable enough in both schools, and all her classes, ballet, BJJ, swimming and piano practice.

For 2020, I posted this on facebook first, because seriously somehow it's easier to do short updates on social media nowadays:

2020 - new decade new year new rules -
1. Be more open with my feelings - who cares if pple dun reciprocate or appreciate? At least I have no regrets!
2. Be chill & stay happy as much as possible.
3. Declutter possessions and relationships - Let whatever /whoever that doesn’t matter go.
4. Prioritise loyalty & kindness in friendship - keep the ones who really care about me closer and be more appreciative of them, also keep in contact more!
5. Up the positivity quotient, try to always see the good side of things.
6. Stress less about the kids and be more encouraging - they have my genes and will grow better with a happy mum
7. Complete all/ any unfinished projects/business.
8. Plan more investments.

Things I wan to do more-
1. Drive more in sg - just offer to drive my parents ard to practise
2. Exercise more and pick up new sports
3. Cook more different food
4. Take more photos of everyone in my life.
5. Journal/blog more.

Some things go without saying
1. The importance of family & the village - being there for them and them being there for u

2020 is going to be a tough year as a family, but I think with lots of mental strength and help from the village,  it's no different from any other year :)

[2049] Things change

Things change.

Children grow up. Very quickly in fact.

We have celebrated the baby's first birthday. The elder child will turn 7 in a few months.

I am still waking up every 2-3 hours at night somehow for feedings. (Don't ask me why the baby is still not sleeping through the night. I wished I knew. The first kid slept through the night properly.) So with primary school for the elder kid, I am forced to wake up early daily even though I barely slept every night. Fitbit has me at 4-5 hours of interrupted sleep every night. I am exhausted to be honest. And, it's not like I can ask someone else to walk the kid to school (because there is no one else, the husband has already left for work).

Now that the elder kid has started school, do I have more freedom? If I manage to stay awake after coming home, I will have lots of time to do stuff, except I still have the baby with me, which is not that much freedom. I try to eat, prepare meals, do some housework, get some (usually bare minimal) work done, feed the baby her lunch and then school's over. After that, it's homework time, and I have to supervise the elder kid on her piano practice plus the day's homework plus homework from her school in SG.

I feel like I'm being spread very thin with so many responsibilities. But I can't really push them to anyone else either. I guess it's a matter of choice, I can choose to be alot more relaxed, if I choose not to go back to SG regularly for bb's schooling. However, the consequence being she will most likely lose her English/Chinese skills, and should we ever want to go back to SG, she will never be able to catch up. Do we want the best for our kids? I do. Since she has the chance for a trilingual education, why not, especially if the plan is financially viable? I want her to have the chance to meet more people, do more things, be able to think for herself as much as possible.

I must admit I feel super lonely. Sometimes. Most of the time I have no time to even consider it, given whatever extra time I have, I'm usually trying to read a book to escape. But I see friends and family on social media and I feel homesick. I miss my friends, and maybe just time away from kids. I think this gets worse the longer I have lived in Japan. I disagree with so many ways to do things, I am tired of rude people who shove (yes Japanese people), I just saw an old lady pluck flowers (stealing basically) from the flower box outside a restaurant this morning while I stare at her in shock. She took all the stalks, around 6 in all, and just openly walked off with them. I'm tired of the general hypocrisy of the society here, all the wayang ceremonies and unspoken rules and all the passive aggressive ways of the people. No matter what, the kids are Japanese racially, all the more important bb gets to experience life in both countries for comparison and decide for themselves where they want to live.

Song of the moment - 

[2048] 7 months old!

 

In the blink of an eye, the small bear is now 7 months old, more than half a year has passed, starting to crawl/wriggle around to explore the living room space.

She's weighing a hefty almost 9kg, and wearing 12-18months clothing size. For a baby that's still being exclusively breastfed, not a mean feat!

We have been back in JP for almost 4 months, and finally feel like we are coping fine. If I manage to wake up earlier than everyone, I get to do a short hour of work, otherwise I try to cram some work in the evening. On other days when I snooze and snooze, I get up when I finally have to and prepare lunch, wake everyone up when the food is ready, and feed the baby while bb eats. After some milk, usually SB is in a good mood so she will play by herself on the playmat (rolling/crawling/chewing stuff) while I then take my lunch. If we're supposed to go for any lesson in the afternoon, we get changed and ready while SB is still in a good mood and then BB does some worksheets while waiting for time to leave. All the classes are within walking distance but we try to reach at least 5 minutes early (or else with no such goal, we would probably leave the house too late instead). After her 1 hour class, we might head to the supermarket for some groceries and then we reach home around 6pm to feed the baby and then cook dinner. and the aim is just to survive each day.

Sb has been to quite a few places so far in the past few months. She's gone to a baseball match, soccer match, Nagasaki, Tokyo, and Bangkok. Besides the crazy number of poos per day, (5-6!!) she's been a good baby so far, and she falls asleep without much struggle every 3-4 hours, which is definitely a big help. Bb tries to be a helpful elder sister, helping me take stuff or entertain her sister whenever we need an extra pair of hands. The hb tries to help out at home with the kids' bathtime mainly.

I would say it's hard giving attention to 2 kids.. especially the elder one, because she is somehow so noisy compared to the baby (I think the lack of sleep makes me very short-tempered) and I am just nagging and nagging at her to please give me some quiet. She asked me what is my favourite activity and I said - "being quiet" haha!

But this year is nearly at its end, with the new baby, the year has gone by in a blink. The first time round I didn't feel that time went by so fast though. I do wish this phase when sb is so smiley and happy and cute would last longer. Before long, she will become this 130cm being whose expression is mainly sulking and frowning and also start thinking she knows all there is to know in this world.

[2047] New Bear to our Family

Finally the whole ordeal of the pregnancy is over!

& the ordeal of having a newborn in the family begins. (T.T)

Towards the last 2-3 weeks of the pregnancy, somehow the weight of the baby or position was pressing on some nerves or ligaments and I was unable to walk without sharp pains in my left hip area, so in the end I couldn't enjoy the last few weeks much, and could only leave the house if someone provided a lift, drove me out for lunch or if I walked slowly to the shops downstairs with my sister in a very very slow and limping manner. So all we did was dabao food to eat at home, and watched netflix all day with feet propped up and looked after baby watermelon together. I'm super appreciative of friends who showed up in the last few weeks to bring me out to lunch or brought lunch to the house and ate together.

Finally - this is totally deja vu - on 28 March - everything felt extremely low in the tummy area, my walking had become a waddling gait, I just kept feeling like any minute it could happen. In the middle of the night I just suddenly woke up at around 3+ am to see some messages on my phone, was replying them when there was a suddenly weird round crampy feeling around my whole tummy area from front to back. It wasn't painful, just felt weird. I decided to just quickly put my things together just in case and waited to see if there was another cramp coming up. The previous time with bb I thought there would be time to shower but now I know things progress pretty fast so I had already taken a thorough shower that afternoon (due to just some gut feeling). I got changed and finally woke my parents up and my sister stayed home to watch the bigger bear. The contractions got worse and we reached the hospital at about 4+am. Unfortunately, somehow, there were no delivery rooms available!! I was stuck in the admission holding room with increasingly painful contractions for at least 1.5 hours with nurses coming in intermittently to check on me and get me to fill up forms and I was almost screaming into the wall with pain by the time a room was finally empty.

After that.. I had thought there was going to be epidural administered asap but I think I waited at least an hour more while they sorted out my report and blood tests etc. (it felt like an hour to me but maybe it was less).. Finally the doctor came and gave me the epidural, but the pain didn't subside until another 20-30 minutes later.. not sure if it's due to alot more pain this time or just the epidural not kicking in. However, when it did kick in, I finally could breathe alot easier and relax until around 10.30am when I started to feel pain through the epidural even though I was increasing the dosage every 10 minutes. The nurse finally said she was calling the doctor around then, and the doctor finally came in around 11am. hmm.. It was pretty quick, he kept pressing on my tummy to push the baby out (which hurt more than the birth itself) and the baby really emerged after about 15 minutes. It was quite painful surprisingly, (contraction-wise) because the previous time I didn't fell a thing. I think it is very likely due to aging.

Small bear says hi!

Big bear meets small bear

Again.... perhaps it's age, I felt very nauseous for almost half the day after the delivery. The previous time I was totally fine after I puked my guts out when the epidural wore off, but this time it didn't wear off until like late afternoon. & I didn't really want any visitors, just because I felt so tired. (maybe I grew more antisocial with age..) Slept abit, had some visitors who brought me a better dinner than the hospital food (what's with all the bland crap!!) and it was kinda lonely without Ryo there at night. Luckily the baby slept quietly mostly, and although I woke her up to feed every 2+ hours, the nurses helped change her diapers mostly and I was able to rest somewhat.

The next morning, we were all ready to be discharged but the process somehow took forever and I was only finally able to leave at 2.30pm.  & my freedom is gone once again for the next few years..

[2046] Week 34

In the midst of  Week 34 and already feeling like this was a big mistake.

Do I really want another child? Do I really want to go through all the sleep deprivation again? Especially that I have discovered the wonderful feeling of sleeping in until 2pm nowadays, not sure if it's due to winter or the pregnancy fatigue.

The doctor said the baby is slightly bigger than average (for the number of weeks). According to theBump.com, it's supposed to be about 4.7pounds (2.13kg) but the baby was already 2.3kg a week ago. It's a good thing, bigger babies are definitely better than smaller babies, given the initial few days of starvation until breast milk comes about, but I'm feeling the strain -  aches in the pelvic area (SPD), sudden pains in the very heavy lower abdomen when I walk too fast (this happens alot because we always leave the house too late due to someone dillydallying).

I know I'm supposed to have gone through all these before, but I don't remember it being so tough or tiring. Is it just my modified memory or it's really old age catching up? Another piece of advice - do not schedule the pregnancy to end in the winter months. You have to buy layers to fit your growing body just for that few months and you can't really not buy anything because it's cold. I had to buy at least 5 sweaters 1-2sizes up and heattech pieces in L and a new larger coat because this winter is particularly brutal (and they feel like they are almost getting too small with 2 months to go because the tummy is blocking the buttons). So - only try to get pregnant from August and stop trying by February because your wardrobe is going to cost you alot of money!

[2045] Year of the Dog

It's my year at last!

via GIPHY

Currently listening to an audiobook titled "13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do: Raising Self-Assured Children and Training Their Brains for a Life of Happiness, Meaning, and Success" by Amy Morin. The book is aimed at how to encourage your child not to have a victim mentality and take responsibility for her own successes, how to practise finding the silver lining when things don't go their way etc rather than engaging in self-pity. I can actually think of several adults who should learn these skills as well unfortunately, and they go through hours of complaining without thinking they should be taking responsibility for their own choices in life. Another point in the book was how kids manipulate adults by taking advantage of their guilt. When kids see you being wishy washy about making decisions, they lose confidence in your position as a strong leader. Which only teaches them that you are an easy target for manipulation in future. Luckily I'm such an emotional robot and rarely feel any guilt, so there's no room for bb trying to guilt-trip me. Muahahaha.  "To be a good mother is to be a good enough mother" - one of the best lines in the book for any mum to follow - there is no need to be a perfect mother, good enough is good enough.

Today while I waited for bb at her ballet lesson, there was another mum who was waiting with her 1.5 year old girl. It was a similar situation on Tuesday, when another mum was waiting with her 1.5 year old son. I had no idea how to interact with the toddlers actually. Generally I don't really know how to interact with other people's toddlers, because I just want to enjoy some quiet time when bb is finally away from me. I just smiled when they did silly things like opening/closing the dustbin lid repeatedly etc, because I wanted to avoid having them come to me to try to play with me. I shudder to think of what I'm getting myself into with the 2nd child coming in a few months. (and also an even stronger conviction that I really am not very fond of children)

I have been feeling super tired (age...) this time round, and can barely get out of bed every day. Of course the cold weather doesn't help, and we always wake up just in time to eat some lunch, get changed and go for the afternoon classes. Even while writing this blog entry I'm sorta dozing off. (only 10pm by the way). I can't wait to be back in Singapore, but at the same time dreading the coming rest of the year of being sleep deprived (again....).