Friday, September 02, 2005

Thursday & Friday

Slept at 10.30 pm last night to wake up at 5.30 am today. For a meeting at 8am. All because US side always sends us documents last minute and had to go earlier to look at the materials. But anyway, it was a waste of time because the guy talked in circles most of the time and it was clear he couldn’t answer our questions. So a next meeting was scheduled and I’ll probably have to come at 7am again next week. Argh. Surprisingly, it wasn’t difficult to wake up that early, and the trains were so empty at 6+. The sun was already up at 5am, and I guess since I slept quite early, there was no difficulty in falling asleep as well. It felt good strolling to work and had so much time that I was actually waiting for Starbucks to open (at 7am).

Yesterday was a sucky day with a sucky Wednesday night. All because of some stupid pretense that he refuses to abandon. Haiz. Why am I still giving in to all those dumb conditions? It hurts, what he said hurts. Am I not good enough? I gave in to everything he wanted me to do, relationship-wise (not talking about sexual stuff you dirty-minded reader), and it’s still not enough. Does he not understand the situation? Maybe it’s all just a fling for him, it’ll end when I have to come home.

If he wants me to care less, fine. I’m a cold-hearted person once you hurt me/piss me off and I’ll probably never warm up to you again. If he wants to be cold too, I guess it suits us both.

Soaked myself in the hot bath last night after I had my maggi mee dinner. Was just focusing to keep my mind blank, devoid of thoughts in case I fell into depression again. So I sat there until the water turned cold, with my head against one end and listening to music from my PC and closed my eyes wondering if it was possible to fall asleep and drown myself.

I don’t have the courage(?) to hurt myself by cutting, drowning, etc.. so if there ever comes a day when I choose to end my life, I think I’ll definitely just take tablets. The yellow little one for colds is very effective. Just one of those and I get so drowsy within 5 min. If I take 10, probably, I’ll never wake up hehe. And the best thing is that it doesn’t hurt and you stay beautiful when they find you dead. Unlike slitting your wrists, its really inconsiderate cos someone has to clean up after the discovery of your death. Drowning will prolly bloat you up and your skin get all wrinkly from all that water. Carbon Monoxide will make yourself uncomfortable cause I think you probably can feel your lungs etc pain I think when your blood gets poisoned. So in conclusion, pills are the best.

Morbid post huh? Please don’t try the methods I mentioned since they’re only theoretical. And I do not encourage anyone to commit suicide. (This doesn’t apply to me)

Finally September (month of my birthday). I hope even though I am overseas there will be birthday greetings (maybe presents?) * hint hint *

Going to bring Jac to Kobe tomorrow to show her Chinatown and maybe to Shinsaibashi to show her the “happening” part of Osaka. Not very happening actually but I guess its better than nothing.


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