damn. No tickets.

guess i'll have to wait until tomorrow. damn.

but today went by fast. as always, there's a twinge when i can hear the happy conversation behind me of him and his female colleague who i think has designs on him (woman's intuition -- usually correct ok!!). she's his age, and she isn't pretty, just mature i suppose, and has adult acne (she always takes leave if she wakes up with a big zit on her face or something -- what kind of responsible person does that!?) so i guess i actually have nothing to worry about but i do worry.

i'm just afraid one day he will realise i am too childish for him. even though i can feel the love when we are together, when i run around like a little girl in public and he follows even though he is so much older and its not dignified to do that when u're 33; when he laughs at the silly imaginary scenarios i think up; when he holds me really tight and asks me what's wrong when i get hit by irrational fears in the night and worry that something bad is going to happen and i'm in a panicky mood and he just continues hugging me and patting me to sleep.. when i call him 熊さん　and i refuse to answer him unless he calls me bear-ちゃん and he humours me and all my silly actions; when i bring him to see rings in the department store and even tiffany & co. and yet he shows no sign of fear and even asks me which design is my favourite..

i am so happy with him but i am afraid of retribution, that the bad things i did to hurt other people will come back to haunt me. even though he knows the truth of the past and he is the only one who knows i am not the past, that i am the person i am now and the person he loves is me now so the past doesn't matter.. i guess there is just some part of me that worry this isn't real and it is just a dream; that there isn't such a kind guy in the world who can just love me for who i am. that i will wake up from one day to realise no one can love me so much and that such a thing will happen after i finally learn to love him and him alone.

The bad things do not count as those matters are forgotten. i can't remember what has happened even, the faces have been mostly wiped from my memory. i have learnt my lessons .. please let things go smoothly from now on...