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Tuesday, March 11, 2008

千六百二十五: Fatigue

Tired of being angry, I want to not be angry, so I'm not just this lethargic person who stones into thin air to not show any feelings or to not feel any feelings.

Things are more back to normal today.

I want to confirm tmr's appt but no chance to.

feeling weak ... 8am days are so tiring.

was going to say something but I forgot.

oh. i remember now, my ticket to tokyo has been issued and also confirmed the domestic tickets to osaka. half happy but since not wanting to feel anything and that i emailed ryo happily but he didnt reply, i decided to just not feel anything also. no one to share the joy with anyway.

G talked to me today and i feel slightly better. although not at the new piece of old gossip i heard. as it just sent my mind into all sorts of redundant imagery that my overactive mind will just harp on it and imagine all sorts of things that happened, but rather, at the source of comfort and consolation she has been. i wonder if the gossip is true. but so wat, so what!! i have to force myself to think that. if not, i'll go back to having nightmares, go back to thinking all sorts of things, and i cannot escape those feelings of dread and paranoia and insecurity even in my sleep and dreams. Everyone keeps asking me if i have 100% trust in things on the other side. I say I dont want to know and i dun need to know. Knowing more hurts only yourself. because you have to live with the knowledge of betrayal and suffer the aftereffects while the guilty party might feel or might not feel guilty and just continues to live his life w/o consideration of hurting you or not.

i just want to hv someone around me for awhile. or be totally alone for a while. the emotional fatigue is really draining me.

trying to get some good macro shots of anything. this is not too bad i guess.
IMG_6212
my workdesk.

I should change my next term's french classes to AM. having my time taken up all Saturday afternoon isn't working out very well which reminds me of the reason I stopped Japanese classes in the first place.

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