Wednesday, December 14, 2005


i think i have a fishbone stuck in my throat. from sunday. i been feeling a imminent sorethroat. which is strange. cos it doesn't feel like a sore throat but rather the same place where i tot on sunday the fishbone had lodged in my throat. after that i immediately tried to get it out, but when i couldn't feel anything in my throat at that point (after i swallowed), except a little twinge where the bone had been stuck a moment ago, which i had thought was psychological. so i just finished up dinner and thought nothing of it. until now. didn't make the link until i was walking home and was wondering how come my throat hurt. and suddenly it struck me that was the same spot the bone had been lodged. shit. i am a little worried. its been 4 days? wat will happen? except the sore throat feeling, will anything even worse happen?? i dun wan to die!!!

was thinking about my childhood. when people asked me, so wat were u like as a kid? i would think about when i was a kid and i would be thinking, yah i was a pretty good kid, good student, good results, no disaplinary problems. but yet the thing i remember most is my parents hitting me. aLOT. for almost everything that kids do. like accidentally breaking a cup. *whack!*
did badly for any homework. *whack!* luckily that was pretty seldom since it was avoidable.
switching on the tV when my mom was taking a nap ( i was still in kindergarten then) *whack!*
my sis climbing the chair to reach the top shelf of the kitchen. *whack!*
falling sick (Sore throats, fevers, flu) *whack!* of cos we would still be brought to the doctors etc but not before being caned or scolded.
fall down and get hurt *whack!*
i didn't understand what I did wrong. by falling sick? by being clumsy? how was that my fault?

the worst thing was that i was hit with the wrong end of the belt once. i can't even remember what it was that incurred my mom's wrath. but she hit me at least 3 times with the metal part of my dad's belt. on my thigh and my leg started bleeding. i don't think it was by accident. my mom purposely chose that end of the belt i remember, so that i would remember my mistake better. well she succeeded. i don't remember wat i did, i do remember this incident forever. of cos i was crying, and she started crying and applied ointment onto it after the whole fiasco but i didn't ever forget that incident. i don't think i can. i thought it was the most natural thing for all parents to hit their kids until my youngest sis came along. no one laid a hand on her, no matter how rude she was to my parents. i did though. slapped her twice b4 when it was really overboard. of cos after that, i was scolded. my fault? again for everything and anything. when i even talked back to my parents, my dad would shout at me, slap me, or sometimes cane me until i said sorry. what was the deal with the double treatment with my sister? i realised no one's parents hit them b4, in JC/ in UNi, when i asked my friends when we were talking bout childhood. yes my parents tried their best to be good parents, to provide us with everything they could, but why did they hit me so much? why didn't other children's parents hit them? even when they were naughty? the boys especially, i would have thought, but no.. they said that even when their parents scolded them, they would explain wat it was for. and not for things like falling sick! things i couldn't even help! i felt bitter, that i was beaten up even though i was a good kid, i tried to meet all their expectations (possibly to avoid being caned than that i really wanted to do that well). and i felt the injustice of everything when they let my sisters get away with everything, n that i was not appreciated even though i was protective of them and tried to stick up for them when they were not getting wat they wanted.

KAOZ. I'm sorry, i'm just feeling too much bitterness and anger and hate now. now u probably understand me a little more of why i am who i am. and why i prefer living independently as far away from them as much as possible.


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