finally they asked me what my feelings etc were. i love it that matsushima-san is so organised and practical and considerate. a pity i was under a very disorganised guy who only wants to do his own job most of the time. anyway.. i said i hoped to stay in japan a little more cos i wanted to speak better japanese and about 1 or 2 years more would be good. i guess it was a good idea since i had so much to learn. i dunno bout the other trainees but basically, their studies were well taken care of. me, i had to justify wat i wanted to learn. .... very duh.

anyway. met jac (sister'S fren hehe) to eat dinner and then she came over to collect her sMAp souvenirs.. then we made plans to go Kobe on Saturday cos my bf had no time for me anyway. so yay.. at least some one i can let my guard down with.... haiz.. very tired of putting up appearances..

wah piang. one of the seller is damn slow. she cannot read my jap email due to IME problems.. its a problem on her side right? because i can read the mail both in my office and in my room. and i already deposited the money today! ARGH. Seriously irritating.

kept thinking ahead of what it would be like a month from now. besides being 23 (yay!), i'll be living in a totally different place, I'll have to think for another person, and I'll definitely have to get over the fear of being alone. will not have the convenience of my friends around me, will have to spend less on myself as well..

went to dinner at swisshotel Nankai with kana and grace and wira. i had originally intended to just go dinner with kana but she kept wanting to invite other people. to be honest i hate group outings unless its with the sixoneders or with EVERyone of the same nationality. i hate mixing different groups and i hate it when you keep inviting other people when i had expected it to be just the 2 of us. i hate it even more when u're invited by the original organiser and you take it upon yourself to invite even more people. i may be civil in public but i definitely don't want to ruin an outing I organised by having bad thoughts about someone there. or just spending the time wanting to say bad things to that person's face but can't due to public courtesy.

bah.. i'm having evil thoughts again.

sianz sianz. i hope i can go to the Amusement show in Tokyo this Friday.

damn. No tickets.

guess i'll have to wait until tomorrow. damn.

but today went by fast. as always, there's a twinge when i can hear the happy conversation behind me of him and his female colleague who i think has designs on him (woman's intuition -- usually correct ok!!). she's his age, and she isn't pretty, just mature i suppose, and has adult acne (she always takes leave if she wakes up with a big zit on her face or something -- what kind of responsible person does that!?) so i guess i actually have nothing to worry about but i do worry.

i'm just afraid one day he will realise i am too childish for him. even though i can feel the love when we are together, when i run around like a little girl in public and he follows even though he is so much older and its not dignified to do that when u're 33; when he laughs at the silly imaginary scenarios i think up; when he holds me really tight and asks me what's wrong when i get hit by irrational fears in the night and worry that something bad is going to happen and i'm in a panicky mood and he just continues hugging me and patting me to sleep.. when i call him 熊さん　and i refuse to answer him unless he calls me bear-ちゃん and he humours me and all my silly actions; when i bring him to see rings in the department store and even tiffany & co. and yet he shows no sign of fear and even asks me which design is my favourite..

i am so happy with him but i am afraid of retribution, that the bad things i did to hurt other people will come back to haunt me. even though he knows the truth of the past and he is the only one who knows i am not the past, that i am the person i am now and the person he loves is me now so the past doesn't matter.. i guess there is just some part of me that worry this isn't real and it is just a dream; that there isn't such a kind guy in the world who can just love me for who i am. that i will wake up from one day to realise no one can love me so much and that such a thing will happen after i finally learn to love him and him alone.

The bad things do not count as those matters are forgotten. i can't remember what has happened even, the faces have been mostly wiped from my memory. i have learnt my lessons .. please let things go smoothly from now on...

waiting to go home

Can’t wait. Will be receiving my tickets when I get home. (I think) now in the office waiting.. for wat I don’t know but I don’t think its nice to leave so early because no one left yet. Argh.

managed to get a pair of tix on yahoo auctions! this morning. hehe.. but then ..been a whole day and the seller didn't reply yet. damn. i hope its not a fake thing. or just that he changed his mind. no matter what, the next time i go to tokyo, i will be joining the fan club no matter wat. DAMN IT.

Ryo'S back! been spending the whole weekend with him.. so happy to see him on friday.. he bought me a Wedgwood necklace (in the picture).. its really sweet.. (^-^)

and we went to the agency today.. to take a look and we saw this perfect place where the price was ok and even the room size was just nice and as i walked around inside i could imagine where everything was going to go le. but it took an awful long time for the procedures of him just placing a deposit but the lady showed us all the places she tot were suitable and it really helped caused they showed us photos of the places and even drove us to see the place itself. (^-^) suddenly, the SMAP concert seemed really wasteful and unimportant in comparison. shouldn'T i save up that amt of money for the use of new place rather? mmm shucks. yes.. starting a life with someone you really suddenly don't have the freedom of doing just anything you want with your money anymore. and its not like roommates where you can just split up all the expenses into half clean and simple. i guess this is when i have to start being an adult else he might not want to continue with me.

SMAP

Lost the bidding war for a set of SMAP concert tickets last night but I refuse to give up. Currently bidding and negotiating with other ticket holders to try to sell me .. but seriously the prices are ridiculously high. Last night I gave up when the price reached \50,000, but because I was pissed off at the people who could afford the tix, decided to jack it up until \60,000. It was a shock to me when I became the highest bidder at \60,000 for about 2 minutes and no one topped me. I didn’t want to pay that price for 2 tickets! Was panicking when of cos some idiot topped me and I heaved a sigh of relief and decided not to join in the price war. Even after that, the price kept going up and that bid ended at \85,000. …. That’s like almost S$1,000 for a freaking pair of tickets. !! (T.T)

And Jaclyn (sister’s fren) went to the concert last nite and she stayed overnite in my room and told me all about the concert. She bought me kimutaku concert souvenirs and he was so delicious. ARGH!! And then she told me she was going again on Sep 11th. !!! “#$%&U  ARGHHH ..  want to kill myself for not having joined the fan club when I was in Tokyo so that I could ballot for the tickets ( I prolly would have gotten the tickets too) ARGH!! The next time I’m in Tokyo I’m going to join so that I can go to the next concert. Yes, even if I’m in Singapore, I’ll fly to watch the concert. ARGH!!!!!!!

I had dinner with my sister's fren today.. she'S in osaka for student exchange and she had stuff to pass me.. (frm my family ) yay food!

anyway.. she's going to the SMAP concert tomorrow :( i'm trying to source for tickets now but they're like disgusting prices. !! BOOHOO!!! they won't have another concert for at least 2 years and they haven't had one since 2 years ago too... does anyone have any lobang?? please help me!!

today'S english entry

Typed the japanese entry in the office. Just saying I had a very bad stomachache today and my head was hurting and I was feeling nauseous. Dunno what happened but it hurt so badly my face turned white. (according to my colleague) argh.

Had an early meeting today with the US office so had to wake up at 6.50am. It was going well until the CEO left halfway to say he had to make a phonecall and there were us 10 people waiting for him to come back into the meeting. I think we waited at least 20 min and the head of the secretarial dept (a man hehe) called the CEO to remind him that we were waiting for him to return to the meeting cos he thought he might have forgotten about us. Hehehe… He is after all an old man..

Was just reading a Japanese business magazine, its feature this month was about blogs and its boom in Japan. Blogger, surprisingly was not in its top 10 list. On the contrary, all the blog providers were japanese providers and the top was www.livedoor.co.jp . This portal was bought over by Fuji Television this year and the creator /CEO is now a millionaire at the age of 28 I think. Very cool.

3 more days, 3 more days!!!! Argh.. the waiting is killing me .. I am dying a slow death here … had fried rice for dinner again.. I know now why my fried rice is soggy, its cos I added tofu. But then, it still tastes great. Hehe.. with belachan chilli even more so..

ok.. am going to sleep .. wednesday tomorrow (will be 2 more days left!)

Creepy Crawlies! in Tokyo!

悲しい

今日体調が悪かったです。頭とお腹が痛かった、（実はまだ痛いです）、吐き気もあります。(*.*) 悪夢だ！昨日も悪夢がありました。夜時にいつも起きていました。大変だった。私のteddy bear　は先週と今週の仲間です。可哀相だと思います。金曜日に楽しみにいます。いつも同じことをいってのに、でも、本当に今週この事件だけは嬉しくなる理由です。

work was a blur today. sleepy blur though. went to sleep t 11.30pm but was just so tired this morning. very weird. and had to do translation at work too. made me even sleepier. i have decided to keep quiet more at lunches as I seriously don't know who to trust anymore. I hate to see the disgusting couple nowadays..

realised that Picasa had some fun collage functions.. will leave you with some of my fav disneyland photos. (^-^)



Tuesday tomorrow.. 4 more days till he is back ...

Ate Thai food at Shinsaibashi 心斎橋last nite. I guess I realized something. I feel comfortable talking to him and he is someone I would confide in if only he didn’t do all those things and lie to me. Even though I was still pissed off at him, it was so easy just talking and catching up over dinner except when he stops to look at his phone and keeps on rushing to want to go back and also his stupid wallpaper on his phone. I do miss talking to him but I guess I can’t trust him as a person again. We had some moments just like it was before where I crack silly jokes and he laughs but there is just a barrier in me and the continual urge to want to say bad things about them. It really is too bad. And I realized how much I miss having someone to talk to. It’s all very well confiding in Ryo, but there is just so much you can express joy.anger, frustrations etc in our half jap half English way. And I don’t think he wants to hear me complain too. So in the end .. all the anger and resentment I usually just keep quiet about it and secretly hate all the people who takes my feelings for granted or who step on me or hurt me. I can only have dreams at night where I hurt these people back.

Speaking of happier things, managed to speak to Ryo on the phone yesterday and today. I was really happy to hear his voice and I guess him too but he was on his way to breakfast with the boss and didn’t have time to speak much. And today.. woke him at 7am hehe.. but he was so sweet and we spoke for bout 15 min before I decided to let him go back to sleep. Couldn’t really hear him over the noise in the supermarket anyway too. Argh.

So today and yesterday had lazy days.. woke up at 9, decided to study Econs today.. and so trying to read at least the intro section. Then went to the bookstore.. bought a Korean/Jap/English dictionary trying to learn Korean now too. Bought the Dilbert Principle paperback too. Hehe. On a roll.. they were selling the ikea little stool for $7 so I bought one as well and a mat for my bathroom.. so happy! My room once again is neater hehe..

Was looking at the bridal book I was supposed to give Xinhuan and I guess there was nothing special except the guys wear tux. Hehe.. and the jap kimono styled dresses. Maybe I’ll get to wear one in future..

tze wei lended me his brushes and paints today and i had a fun day painting. water colour paintings that is..

i didn't know what to draw and the title of one of our games caught my eye so i sorta copied it out (freehand okie!)

this is wat i drew and the original is the right one


the 戦国basara　title similar to dynasty warriors



my JbL speaker (left) . not the same colour but was roughly trying to get out my feel for the way it was reflecting light rather than its white colour. :)





all in all not too bad huh?

half drunk and chatting rubbish now. alone in my room drinking my johnnie walker. accidentally knocked over the glass (with bout 1/4 left) and spilt it. haiz. feeling sianz. sianz!!!!!

i see his mails in the morning when i wake up and i get perked up with the thought of him still awake (the email was sent 44 min ago from the time i read it) and i send back a reply hoping that he might still be awake to see it. its difficult being in 2 time zones, thankfully we are not those long-distance couples in totally different time zones and this is just until next Friday. i can't wait.. i can't wait! i miss just seeing his face or feeling his presence behind me in the office even though we don't talk much here. i just can't get angry at him when i see his face, i just want to smile and make him feel happy too after his day of hard work (don't you think a guy would be seriously pissed off to come home when he's all tired, to a wife who keeps complaining about every single thing, nagging and showing a black face?)

no one gave me any help on the marriage reason thing except yaohui :( but thank you yaohui.. yah i think the same way as you.. idealistic too.. i should just be firm about my beliefs and not let others sway me right?

life map sorta decided.. marry, have a career while enjoying yuppie couplehood lifestyle for a few years.. enjoy financial freedom and save up so that can have kids in the future with no financial worries (i am still young!) and then maybe have kids when i'm 27/28 and then live happily ever after. i'm not only going to marry only when I want kids, there's no chance of enjoying married life if kids come in immediately. and if i only marry when i want kids, i will have no independence from my parents until then!! i'll die before i get married probably. haha..

yay thursday!

was in a bad mood today. having a headache but it wasn't due to lack of sleep. in fact i slept early all this week and was very awake at work. but anyway. was in a bad mood. i miss him so much. was ecstatic to receive his email this morning. and afternoon. the morning email was sent b4 he slept (5am japan time, 11pm Germany time) and received another email at when he woke up hehe.. (7am Germany time, 3pm Japan time) the time is just wat i think it was.. but anyway.. he was really sweet.. argh. one more week til he's back. can't wait for him to be back so that we can go ahead with our plans. (^.^)

my mood level just went down.

read xinhuan's reply to my comment and it totally hurts. i already am resigned to the fact that i'll be missing this important event so you don't have to say such things k? you don't have to say until like "its none of your business which day i choose, can't make it then can't make it lor, too bad for you." kind of tone right? she didn't say those exact words, but that's the feeling i get from her words. i am still very happy and excited that you are going to get married soon (already) (my first friend to get married!!) but i guess that's not important anymore.

like u said, the date's convenient for you & him so what matters most is that you both are happy right? so in the words of Phoebe Buffay as she holds up a cookie crumb(in friends, i think you should know which episode) "I wish you a long and happy marriage". I very sincerely hope your wedding will be marvellous..

haiz.. i dunno la. i feel like crying as i write this, it's just that i feel like i've drifted away from everyone's life and when i come back, i'm just a stranger who's missed the most important part of everyone's lives.

anyway, i asked you the question for the reason why u are getting married because i've been thinking about this thing for a while now. as in the reason for marriage. peiling'S words gave me doubts when i was very sure before. I was sure that because you love each other and you want to spend the rest of your lives together was a good enough reason to get married. but she was right, she said that you can do all these things without marriage too. then why do we need marriage? only to have kids? i don't want kids (not yet!!) but to marry just to have a legitimate (legal) reason to be together (to have sex?) seems like a very lame reason. she said that if not married, if the guy wants to leave he can just go. she also won't lose anything. but then if we love each other, we are not trying to tie down the other person with marriage cos its both voluntary right?

i am so confused. help, i need your views.

This guy is right. it never pays to work too fast.

overslept this morning, had to walk super fast in a pair of painful heels all the way to the station. yikes.

Ryo's going away to Europe tomorrow... sianz .. Japan phones can't be used overseas basically so he'll be uncontactable. argh. wonder what souvenirs he will bring me. cos we're not going to be seeing each other for bout 2 weeks, he came over to see me last night after work even though he was exhausted.

I felt a real earthquake for the first time today. at first i thought it was just that i was so sleepy that i started feeling faint but the shaking lasted and my colleagues suddenly said "earthquake!" and i looked around and everything was shaking. it was only level 1 on the Japan earthquake scale but everything was already oscillating in slow motion. as in the building? and the racks were visibly shaking. i can't imagine the damage if it was a level 6. (which it was at 宮城) the kobe earthquake about 10 years ago was a level 7. that time the highway collapsed under the strain i think.


the kobe earthquake's damage to a building

i am actually quite worried that a major earthquake is going to happen soon. its usually about 10 years in between each major one and recently there have been quite a few mini-major ones.

apparently the 2 disgusting people went to Hiroshima for the weekend. the creep and his desperate girlfren. i hope she gets taken advantage of and then he dumps her. but then i shouldn't be so evil.. i should hope for them a happy ending.. YAH RIGHT. i hope ur dick falls off and u both get some STD. or maybe an earthquake will happen and u 2 will kena it.

argh i've been crushed by a viewcam!

i was just looking through friendster and realised that one of the guys was attached.


Guan is Attached! -------->
(I took this from Guan's friendster page)

ok.. maybe everyone already knows and i am suaku (mountain tortoise) but I am just so happy for him! Although I dunno who the girl is but hopefully, she will be very very good to him and not break his heart or anything bah.. Congrats Guan!

I watched this yesterday, on my pC and it was hilarious. if only real couples fought this way. the show was pretty long, and i thought all was over when they found out the truth about each other but it ended great, although a little unbelievable when they managed to shoot out the whole swat team between the 2 of them. :p Brad Pitt is of course, delicious as always, and by the chemistry he had with Angelina Jolie on this show, its no wonder his marriage with Jennifer Aniston didn't work out.. haiz....

friday evening was the stupidest thing i had ever done. i haven't had him to myself for the whole week so i decided to go to kansai airport to fetch him when he was returning from Tokyo from a day bizness trip. from the office. but the problem was that i had no idea how to go by train. so i checked the internet, it seemed easy enough and i was on the train early etc until i realised its been an hour later and i was still "on the way" there. the train was an express train and i had no idea where i was, since it didn't stop regularly so the next time it stopped, (another 5+ min later?), i realised too late that i was at another prefecture (i wasn't in Osaka anymore!!!) Wakayama 和歌山. i got off and realised it was an empty station!! horrors!! and that to reach the airport, i was supposed to have transferred trains like half an hour b4 at another station. tmD!! so confusing, how was anyone supposed to go to the airport?! it was already 10.30pm at night and it had taken me like an hour plus to have reached there from the office, so it would take 2 hours to get home in Nishinomiya.. I was almost panicking and had to send a mail to my colleague/senior (japanese) to ask her wat to do. in the end i had to wait another 15 min for the train in the opposite direction and managed to catch the last train back to the dorm. ..... what a scare.

hence i only woke up at 1pm on saturday. which ruined all our plans for the water park but it looked so cloudy we had no mood to go too. so we went for our brunch/linner at 4pm. and filled ourselves up with sushi and then we went to his place to do nothing while he checked the net for alternative living arrangements. after that, accompanied him to cut his hair (at a really high class place) and it was surprising how a person with so little hair takes over an hour to be cut. heh. after that, it was my turn when we went back. cos the salon i frequent was still open , i went to ask why my hair was turning brown after just one week and they redid my black for free. hehe.. watched Mr and Mrs Smith when i got back.. and the day ended liddat. too fast ..

today we managed to drag ourselves up at bout 9.30am, because we were both super hungry (having only eaten one meal the day b4) and had a Macdonald's breakfast b4 heading for the water park at Rokko 六甲 Island. it was actually cloudy and raining too. :( it only rains on weekends which sux and on weekdays the weather is so hot you perspire even when it's cloudy. the park was quite crowded and it was almost exactly like WildWild Wet in NTUC resort and the Jurong water park. except we(Singapore) utilised space very well by building everything in the limited space we had while the Japanese had the exact same slides/wave pools etc but had also ALOT of extra space with nothing except for people to run around. people could bring in their floats but had to pay for air to be pumped (if they wanted to), the wave pool was only half the size and very shallow (bout 1m) the locker/changing room was too small.. but overall it was fun. relaxing in the wave pool.. lying on the mat when the sun finally came out at bout 2+.. we left at bout 4.30pm to have dinner with his uni frens ..

this time, we had sushi for dinner.. DIY sushi hehe. rice in the middle, with all the ingredients laid out and u make your sushi urself, like a popiah party. the topics were mainly the same as the last time, except the kids were more friendly towards me today.. i walked in and immediately one of the little boys gave me a hug hehe.. and thank god they were quieter today too.. they (the adults of cos) were asking Ryo his plans for our future and they were all giving him advice. mmmm. but perhaps its too early to tell. :)

bah and the weekend is over just liddat .